My day normally starts with one coffee, and then just before nature calls I mix a large teaspoon of Metamucil into a 20 oz glass of water. Then I chase that with another full 20 oz glass. Then it’s off to the races. I’m as regular as a swiss watch. Wham-bamalam-boom and it all comes out in one 5-10 second shot.
Today I was distracted and neglected to perform my morning routine. The result? I’ve had to go three times today. All little dribs and drabs. No wham-bamalam-boom. The problem? The more time spent on the bowl pushing, and the more time spent wiping, puts me at a greater risk to get another hemorrhoid. I won’t be forgetting my routine tomorrow morning, or anytime soon for that matter.
If I were alone on a desert island and could only have one hemorrhoid product – it would be Metamucil. I don’t work for them, I’m not compensated by them, I’m just happy as hell that a simple drink every morning has kept me hemorrhoid free for nearly 5 years.
Click Here for the best price on the best product ever formulated in the history of poop.
A couple weeks ago, I had a Colonoscopy and Endoscopy – both procedures done together. Because I was having discomfort right in the middle of my stomach – just under the rib cage on the left side – my Gastroenterologist decided to take a look at my digestive tract from both directions. Now that it’s over, I can easily say that the preparation for the procedure was definitely the worst part. Click Here to read my post about preparing for a Colonoscopy.
Preparing for the Colonoscopy/Endoscopy, Preventing Hemorrhoids
As I mentioned in my previous post, I had to drink a 14-dose portion of Miralax (in addition to 6 dulcolax) to clean out my guts. Here’s how that played out: About an hour after finishing the 64 ozs of the Miralax/Gatorade/Water mix, I began to experience what Cholera must feel like. I finished the diarrhea cocktail at about 6pm, and then sh*t my brains out (some poop, then mostly water) – about 7-8 times between 7pm and 7am. The urge to poop died down close to midnight, allowing me to sleep most of the night – I had to get up once to go at about 3 am, and another few squirts at 7am before heading in for the procedure.
Over the course of those 7-8 watery poops, I used an entire 2 oz (57g) tube of Preparation H – inserting a ridiculous amount via the included applicator (Preparation H calls it the “pile-pipe” – I call it the “caulk gun”) after each visit to the toilet. Normally I use my finger, but I wanted to get a whopping dose of ointment way up in there. I know this kind of diarrhea can easily cause hemorrhoids, so I was not taking any chances. I advise caution when using the applicator. Squeeze some ointment out first, and insert slowly. That applicator is hard plastic, you don’t want to insert it too quickly and impale your rectum. I found that a squatting position was best for the careful insertion of the applicator. In hindsight it would have probably been easier and just as effective to use suppositories, I simply did not think to buy any beforehand. Had I used suppositories I probably would have inserted 2 rather than only one.
I’m very happy to report that my prevention efforts were successful. The Preparation H reduced/eliminated the irritation and prevented the system flush from causing any hemorrhoids. Wonderful! The last thing I want to do after a colonoscopy is to nurse a hemorrhoid. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – with hemorrhoids, an ounce of prevention is truly worth 1,000 lbs of cure.
The Colonoscopy & Endoscopy
Onto the procedure. I checked in, paid my copay – that was perhaps the most painful part. I changed into the open-back gown then watched some TV and dozed a little as they checked my vitals and inserted the IV port into my hand. I was worn out from having my guts flushed out so it was easy to doze off as I waited. After about a 20 minute wait, they wheeled me into the room where it all happens. I met my Gastroenterologist, said hello, and the next thing I remember was waking up in the post-op/recovery/whatever-you-call-it area. I don’t remember a thing. They told me that they use “the Michael Jackson drug” (Propofol). I was curious about this, so I did my research and read that:
The county coroner stated that he died from the combination of drugs in his body, with the most significant drugs being the anesthetic propofol and the anxiolytic lorazepam. Less significant drugs found in Jackson’s body were midazolam, diazepam, lidocaine, and ephedrine. (Source: Wikipedia)
That’s a hell of a mix. Since I wasn’t taking any ephedrine, lidocaine, diazepam, midazolam or lorazepam – and since the surgical center uses the Propofol on 1000’s of people every week – I wasn’t too worried about dying on the table. I’m guessing the 14 doses of Miralax was probably more toxic to my body than the Propofol. At least the propofol gave me a nice buzz for an hour or so when I came to.
There were some mild after-effects from the Propofol. I had a nice high for about an hour after I got home, then I crashed. The crash was probably amplified by the exhaustion of sh*tting my brains out the day before. I ate something light, the first meal I’d had for about 36 hours, then napped off and on for the rest of the day. I woke up the following day feeling 100% back to normal.
As for my results, they found mild colitis and gastritis. “Very very mild” according to my gastroenterologist. Nothing to be worried about. I am relieved that I went through with the procedures without worrying about being embarrassed or having made any other excuse to put it off. Everyone has an ass, I’ve never understood the “I’m embarrassed to do this” excuse. Maybe that’s just me. If you are at that time in your life where you should have a Colonoscopy, I encourage you to get it over with. It’s really not a big deal. If something is wrong, the sooner it is detected the better.
Regular screening can often find colorectal cancer early, when it is most likely to be curable. In many people, screening can also prevent colorectal cancer altogether. This is because some polyps, or growths, can be found and removed before they have the chance to turn into cancer. (Source: Cancer.org)
Hello folks, this is RG. I’m preparing for a colonoscopy tomorrow. A colonoscopy is when the doctor sticks a camera up your butt to look at your colon. They need to have you cleaned out so they can take a look around.
My instructions for today are liquid diet, and at 2pm take 3 Dulcolax, at 4pm mix 238g of Miralax (that’s 14 doses) into 64 ozs of gatorade or water – drink 10-12 ozs every 15-20m until finished. I’ve guzzled 48 ozs so far and … well nothing yet. Maybe the last 16 ozs will free the beast. Then at 6pm I’ll take 3 more dulcolax.
Interesting to me is that there is nothing in the instructions about protecting my arschenhole from the upcoming onslaught.
I’ve inserted a healthy dose of Preparation H into my bunghole to avoid any irritation. Hemorrhoids are caused by irritation. Irritation is caused by irregularity (constipation or diarrhea). Diarrhea is bound to happen VERY soon. With hemorrhoids, an ounce of prevention is worth a 100 pounds of cure. It is far easier to apply some Preparation H today, than to nurse a hemorrhoid for the next few weeks. I always keep Preparation H in the house, and when I’m irregular, I use it. It’s not just for curing hemorrhoids. I would argue that Preparation H is more useful as a preventative measure against them.
Ok, it’s time for the last glass of sludge (actually, it’s not so bad. I mixed 28 ozs of Gatorade with 36 ozs of water and the 238g of Miralax) and 3 more dulcolax. Any questions let me know. I’ll give an update after the procedure. – RG
Howdy, Regular Guy … err … Irregular Guy here. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I’ve been busy living the hemorrhoid-free dream. But for the last few weeks, I’ve had an upset stomach. Red Flag. I know from experience that irregularity causes hemorrhoids, so I have to get into prevention mode tout suite.
I visited my doctor – since I was blackmailed into buying health insurance, I never like to pass up that opportunity. Everything looked ok and she recommended Gas-X (Simethicone). I’ve tried that with some degree of success. But in the week that ensued, I’ve noticed that my regularity is out of whack. I usually produce one giant soft log per day, but now I’m making 2-3 looser ones. I don’t attribute that to the Simethicone, rather to poor diet and stress.
The last thing I need right now is to nurse a hemorrhoid – so it’s time for action. Imodium (Loperamide HCL) normally works very well for me, so I headed over to Amazon and ordered the Imodium that also contains Simethicone (the active ingredient in Gas-X). Then it was off to the grocery store to get some “BRAT Diet” stuff. If you aren’t familiar with the BRAT diet, I’ll break it down for you. BRAT is an acronym for Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast. Easy on the stomach and easy on the pipes. It’s a good idea to lay off the kung-pao when your not pooping right.
It’s crucial to remember that when it comes to hemorrhoids, an ounce of prevention is worth 10 tons of cure. I get irregular once or twice a year, and for that reason I always keep Preparation H in the house. This week is one of those occasions where I get to use Preparation H for what it does best, preventing hemorrhoids. Before and after every irregular poop, and even for a few days after regularity returns, I’ll be generously using the stuff.
That’s all for now. Make sure you have some Preparation H in the house. It will save you a lot of trouble if you use it during irregular times. Any questions or comments, please let me know what you think.
Why keep Preparation H in the house, even if you don’t have a hemorrhoid?
Never forget that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I came down with the flu last month, it was a nasty week of fever and mucus. After 4-5 days I gave in and went to the doctor. I was prescribed the “Z-pak” (a.k.a. Zithromycin), a strong 4-day treatment of antibiotics.
As soon as my flu symptoms went away, I had the misfortune of dealing with the Z-Pak hangover. This stuff is brutal. I did not even finish them all – I took 2 the first day, as directed, and 1 on the 2cd day. By the end of day 2 I had had enough. I had not had diarrhea like this in years. I was taking my daily does of Metamucil, but it was not holding everything together like it normally does.
I remembered that I had a rotten case of diarrhea just before my last hemorrhoid, and a frightening thought came over me. What if I start to feel better, but then have to nurse a hemorrhoid? No Thanks. So I grabbed the Preparation H and I lubricated my rear-end for more than a week, until pooping returned to normal. Just to be uber-safe, I still have it nearby. I can only assume that my butt suffered a little damage as a result of the Z-Pak diarrhea.
Would I have a hemorrhoid if I had not used the Preparation H? Who cares is my answer. Although I suspect that yes, I would have. The reality is, I did use it, I did not get a hemorrhoid, and I don’t have to worry about anything today except going to the beach. The best way to cure a hemorrhoid is certainly to prevent it, and the prevention is so much easier than the cure.